I have been struggling for my whole life with schedules and self discipline and I have been trying lately to be more steady in several things, including studying God’s word and prayer. I do it, but not nearly enough. I really believe it’s best to start the day this way, but most days I am quite the zombie until 8 or 9 am and then I feel guilty for wasting the time and I let worries about stuff to do cloud my decision making. But I am working on it. I may actually do better studying at night after the kids go to bed. Or maybe a little of both.
And then also there are thought patterns that need to be brought into submission. I tend to be very positive and supporting of others, and am able to see their worth long before I see my own. My spirit voice for myself tends to be more negative and grumbly, seeing the deficiencies, difficulties, and failures instead of seeing what God is doing in my life.
From The Unlikely Homeschool this morning:
I was reminded tonight that God looks at His children and sees them for what He is transforming them to be, NOT what they are right now. He called Abraham the father of many nations before he ever had one single child…He called Peter the Rock long before there was a church…He called Gideon a mighty warrior before he ever fought one battle. And the list goes on…So, homeschool momma, tomorrow when you look at Facebook and Pinterest and are tempted to allow self-doubt to creep in…tempted to see yourself for all that you are NOT…, look to God and see YOU how HE sees you…SEE YOURSELF FOR ALL THAT HE IS TRANSFORMING YOU TO BE.
This is definitely not my natural tendency, but especially in recent years, it seems like I have been in a bit of a rut. It’s very hard for many of us and I really needed that reminder.
Also, I have been reading Ann Voskamp a lot lately. If I am honest, the first time I read her blog, I was like “WHA???”. I think I was not in the right frame of mind. But funny how God can use things you initially think are wonkly. I kept seeing her referenced here and there (go figure!) and so I thought, probably not so gently led by the Holy Spirit, that I would check her out again. So I did. And I liked it better. I was blessed and started coming back. Then I saw a video interview of her. And I thought to myself, “How can anybody be that prayerful, worshipful ALL day long?” She was surprisingly self-deprecating, but also seemed to stop sometimes before an answer and pray. I really think she was praying right there! Part of my thought – is this phony? I have seen this emotional faith act before and it has made me a little distrustful, I guess. But the more I watched her interview, the more I identified with what she said and I craved that closeness with God and if the simple act of being grateful was going to provide that, then I wanted what she was having! Well, not literally, but you know.
When you have been in the habit of being unhappy, it’s kinda hard to flip it around. Bad habits are ugly things, making deep muddy ruts from which it seems impossible to extricate yourself. I know I have been getting things out of my halting studies, and it is slowly refocusing my vision. But this morning, I was driving my daughter to her biology lab, and we listened to a report on the radio about the current water emergency in California. They were talking about how, even if we get a ton of rain, that it wouldn’t make a difference – we need years of great snow and rain, not just a few rain storms. We chatted about it for a bit, and I just noted that the forecast for today had included a prediction of rain.
“It sure would be nice to get some rain”, I said, and thinking to myself, simultaneously, “It won’t be enough” and “God provides what we need.” And I was just so grateful in that moment! He gives us what we need. It may not always be what we think we need, and also isn’t always going to be what we want. But in that tiny fleeting moment, I felt a hint of what Paul was talking about – I have learned to be content in times of want and in times of plenty (paraphrase from Philippians 4:11-13 ). ME! Grumbly whiney ol’ me. It was pretty cool.
So we talked a little about water conservation, and I smiled the rest of the way to our destination, where there are some pretty trees in bloom. I grabbed a picture and played with it in my phone, and as I was uploading it to Facebook, it started to rain.